Trying to make deals with God

  Ruben do you ever..., No, I don't ever talk to Psychologists or Psychiatrists willingly for treatments of any kind. I never have and never will. However, if someone wants or needs to go that route, that is fine because that is the beauty of free choice. And since I am a combat veteran, the V.A. Doctors and medical personnel where I attend for personal health issues are obligated to inquire of us and always ask this one question  And so my Veteran Affairs Doctors ask me, "Ruben, do you ever think about or plan to commit suicide ?" And I always answer them with this line, "Not lately." Then they don't talk about that subject anymore because they know that I am in severe pain, and I take no narcotics. I've been clean since 1982 since my second trip to The Texas Department of Corrections at the Ramsey1 Unit. I got out in 1985 and in 1990 I was diagnosed  with Cirrhosis of the liver and I was told that I would be dead by the year 2,000. In the early 1990's I was also diagnosed with Stenosis of the lower lumbar vertebrae and told that that area was calcifying and fusing itself around the spinal cord and choking it. They also said that things could go very bad for me from this point into the near future. All the prognosis for this condition was very drastic. They also said that I suffered from spondylosis of the same spinal area. They also said that there was severe degenerative arthritis and severe nerve damage to that area also. Then afterwards I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in my body. And as I was being surprised with all these Christmas greetings, I was also diagnosed with extremely high blood pressure and also neuropathy. And just as something extra, now they say that I am borderline diabetic. Therefore why should I contemplate inflicting harm on myself? Ah!, But, in 2011 as my wife was being hospitalized for Lupus and Cancer, and right at the time she was labeled Terminal, I began to think seriously on the subject of making an exit. And the reason for that was easy because I felt guilty for her misfortune. So I went into prayer for two and a half years all by myself everyday and night. And I sat many times out here in my backyard into the early morning hours at dawn, in the hot and cold nights. I became like a Hikikomori  and isolated myself from everyone except my wife who was hospitalized. And in my prayers I repeatedly pleaded with "God" and said, "Father, let's make a deal between us please. My life for my wife Irma's." Then I would say, "It's me that you want and that is why you are doing this to her."  And I kept repeating over and over, "Please, "Father, take me, I am the worthless one." And like I have said to you guys out there before, "God" answers prayers. Watch this, this is a dream, nevertheless, it is my answer to my endless request about the deal. As the dream opens the first thing that I see is a meadow opened in the center of some deep woods. The setting is at night and this dream is in color. However, only the meadow is lit with a yellowish light from the sky that penetrates the thick woods. The next thing that I see is a medical type gurney that has a silver metal frame. The small mattress on it is wrapped in white linen and there is a single pillow there on the bed too. The gurney is situated dead center in this clearing. The next thing that I see is, I see myself laying on my back on this gurney facing the sky in sweet repose with my arms and hands crossed like they do the dead people. My eyes are closed and there is only silence all around. And as I looked at myself from the dreamer's view, I saw my eyes open and I began to speak out loud in Spanish. And this is what I said, "Lord", I want to die. "Lord," I want to die." Then I said for the third time, "Lord," please let me die!" And then silence fell again in this serene place. And after a few minutes had passed, three men appeared standing on the northside at the edge of the woods facing the gurney. All three were tall, slender, middle-age Mexican men with brown skin. They stood about 50 feet away from me as I still laid in repose with my eyes closed as if dead. Then I saw all three men walk over towards me, then they all stopped about 20 feet away from me. Then only the man in the middle walked over directly to where I lay and looked down at me. Then he reached over to my crossed hands and grabbed them with his right hand and began to shake me hard. But I still laid down without responding to him. So he shook me again. But this time he began to speak to me authoritatively as he still had his hand over mine. And this is what he said to me in Spanish, "Ruben, get up..., you are not dead. Get up because it's not your time to die yet." And after this I opened my eyes and saw him speak to me again and he repeated, "Ruben, get up, your not dead. Get up and leave and continue doing what you have been doing." Then he reached his hand to grab mine, and then he pulled me up to a sitting position and then he stepped back to where the other two were and stood in the middle again. Then I looked at them as I sat there sort of disappointed with that transaction, and then stood up on my own. Then without saying nothing else...I turned to my left and walked away into the dark woods and disappeared. And that was it for that dream. Was that incredible or what? I told you guys that dreams come from a real place that is not tangible or visible but are part of our reality nonetheless. And as it is said in The Negro Spiritual songs regarding these languages, they say, "God" is trying to tell you something." I believe that this message was sent to me with the intent to satisfy my attempt to strike a deal with "God." And I was being told to stop pleading to take my wife's place in dying because it was Irma, my wife's turn to die not mine. And do you see guys, suicide, or asking "God" to die before one's time is not acceptable. And please note here, that whatever happens after one commits suicide, that is for "God" to weigh... not us. "God" is The Scales of Justice; and "His" Scales are always tempered with Mercy and Grace, and Righteousness. "He" is not like us. Anyway, I remember that  back then, it was during this time that my wife was hospitalized in several hospitals and this nursing home in San Marcos, that I came face to face with life's hard questions also. Remember that I started asking hard questions of "God" and to myself way back before this time. And I wanted to know why some people suffer so unjustly in this life? You know, the typical ancient question about why are some people so much better off than others? And why is it that The Law is not applied equally to everybody. At that time I had no idea that ancient people in ancient times suffered from the same issues of life as we continue to do now. And I didn't know why history repeats itself over and over seemingly without end in our human history? Therefore, it was those questions that sent me out over many years to do research about these subjects, to help me connect the dots. And to be honest with you, the Dots cannot be connected fluidly like in chronological sequence. These dots come randomly and are scattered about on your journey of life. Nothing is easily packaged for us so neatly and decorated with all the answers in one tiny book with a thousand and one pages. For example, since we are talking about when sometimes life seems too unbearable to go on with. It's in these precious moments when Dots come to fill in the jigsaw puzzle of life. I hope that I never forget the lessons, and the poetic unrehearsed and unscripted and most impressionable human performances that seemed pathetically sad tragedies, yet shed light on answers that I needed just in the nick of time. It seemed that these real performances were tailor made just for me. As if some invisible being was telling me, "Ruben, sit back and watch what happens next." Oh!, and sometimes as one wanders out there on the poets' or sage's path, one may not like what you find out there. Nevertheless, it is all connected to your search. But regardless of what you see out there, these are Dots. And now please allow me to help explain this phenomena about Life and Death a little bit. Therefore, here is a tidbit about me and my dreams, that although I tried to talk to other people about them, especially my wife, she was not interested. So I didn't bother telling her all my dreams or situations like the one coming up next. Here you will see that the dream mentioned above came before this one of a kind moment that is heaven sent and that was given to me only. I remember that I was visiting my wife at a nursing home here in San Marcos one day. And as I visited the wife a nurse asked me to leave the room temporarily because she was gonna bathe her and clean her bed. The wife had decided to move here and leave the care at the hospitals in other towns because she wanted to be closer to her family in San Marcos. This was the last place that she stayed at before making her exit from this life here on earth. The nurses said that I should go to the lobby and wait and that later after they were done, they would come to get me. So I went and sat on a comfortable sofa chair by the entrance to the lobby. This lobby was not the main entrance lobby there, but a smaller one inside where the patients were, deep inside the nest. Inside there I saw only one White man sitting in front of the T.V. staring at the T.V. like in catatonic state of being. He seemed to be paralyzed, and no one in this lobby at that time spoke a word either except  my Tia Lola, who sat next to another older lady Lola's age who was married to my grandpa Francisco's brother. Lola spoke only to say hi to me and then went silent because she only repeated herself over and again. There were more females inside this lobby watching T.V. besides Lola and Santos, the other female relative. Then as I sat there spaced out myself with overwhelming problems too, an older tall slender and beautiful Mexican woman that was very well dressed; and had long beautiful hair, dashed into the lobby. This act was spontaneous and took me by total surprise because this woman looked completely normal health wise and was still a sight to see even in her early '80's. I found out her name later and her name was Magdalena. Well, Magdalena came through the front passageway unannounced and did a sharp right turn to where I was sitting. Then she stood directly in front of me and stared at the brick wall directly behind me and totally seemed to ignore me. She too seemed to be under some deep hypnosis. Then she began to literally shout out loud in a sad wailing voice. Yet no one seemed phased by this but me. And this is what she said in Spanish, "Lord, I want to die! Please let me die!" Then she continued without pausing at all and said, "It was fifty eight years that my husband and I were married. "Lord", and I want to go and be with him now. "Lord please let me die because I am tired of my life without him. "Lord, it has been four years since he died and I want to die and be with him please!" With this she finished with this spectacular emotional performance then she made a hard left turn and went out the passageway like lightning and disappeared into the maze of hallways there. Her grand entry into this lobby was not rehearsed nor did I see it coming. And she disappeared as fast as she had appeared. And I sat in shock as I looked at the patients in this lobby unfazed as if nothing had happened. Then I jumped out of the chair and walked fast to see where she went because I wanted to get her name. I journal, so facts are important to me. I wanted to know her history too, but, as mysteries go, I was left with no more references about that woman. Nevertheless, "God" was demonstrating to me what emotional and physical pain can do to a person's spirit. And I was allowed to witness in person what millions upon millions of people undergo throughout the world on a daily basis also that we know nothing about until it happens to us. Moreover, I was reminded that I was not the only one on this journey of Life and the hardships of living, that involves purging and a cleansing process before one dies. The Bible calls it a Sanctification process, and this process is a life time process. I know we will not like this purging because for us it would be better to be done with the misery of living too long in an unhappy situation fast. However, this process is like enduring the Military's Basic Training program. It's a qualifying process of Love because it will get you better equipped for a better life in a better destination. Well, let's hope we are invited to that better place? Further, it will develop great character in us as we travel like "Pilgrim," down that treacherous trail that will lead us to that Paradise that we are all aching for now. The path is difficult because only the true enduring seekers will get there. But we must undergo the gauntlet of life whether we like it or not. It may be hard for us to grasp these things, but there it is. Wait awhile and the Dots that you are looking for will come in many and varied ways. But it is inevitable that one searching for Truth, may not like what they find out there at times because sometimes those things that you do find will contradict what you may have always believed to be true. That's why it is essential to study to learn and be disciplined by our learning; and by our teachers. Please don't make wrong assumptions about me just yet. I am only getting started and I will keep on with the Blog because my Alyssa tells me not to give up so soon. But, doesn't life seem like it's done too soon too? Let's ask the great Neil Diamond that question, about being "Done too soon." And I love Neil Diamond songs also! In closing, I have to say that the World is a stage. And we are all actors in it. However, in our parts to play, there are no scripts and no rehearsals, and no retakes, just the raw reality of life and living it out. Man Oh man, you should have been there to see Magdalena deliver her performance at that nursing home that day with me. I am sure she is gone now. But you should have heard and felt the great sorrow and grief in her loud wailing. It sounded like when a father loses his firstborn and only son way too soon in life. Can you picture him falling to the ground on his knees and yelling in pain because there are no words to describe what he is feeling when he finds out that his son is dead. Like when one feels their heart and spirit is being torn to pieces deep inside, and feels like they want to die too. Or when a son loses his mother after loving her for so long. How do you stop him from losing his mind? And it's not a cry you hear everyday either. Well, not one near you anyway. But those tragic wailings are sounding out there everyday and night somewhere. And "God" gave that experience just for me that day, right after my dream about wanting to die myself. It's crazy I know, but true.. Thanks again Amigos! That's it for now, so let us sleep on that.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Respectfully,                                                                                      Ruben N. Gutierrez