En donde esta!

 Amigos, I really want to qualify what I am about because that way you will see that I never did set out on Vision quests, nor to have apocalyptic dreams. I have never been involved in witchcraft and that dark side either. However, All my life I have been plagued with overwhelming sensations to do something radically to change our corrupt Government's Leadership. Like David Ruiz and many other political and social activists of my time, I wanted to make things equal for everybody. But I knew that I couldn't, so I resigned myself to hate the System and the White Man that was over the system. After all he conquered, so we reluctantly obeyed. And if you have been trying to follow my journey on my quest to understand what drives me to do what I do, or know why I am the way that I am, then you need to know that I seek only what is real and true. And I will admit that late in life, sometime in my 40's I do go into some rabbit holes because I chose to. I did it at a great risk to me because there my metal is tested and I prove that I am for real. I don't have time to spend it on child's play. So I hope you will appreciate what I just said. I am not here to offend purposefully nor intentionally no one or anyone. I am just a storyteller that loves to credit great artists, especially artists like Potters and Writers. And as I tell the stories, I let the mighty powerful words do what they want to do. Just like the Potter and Architects use symbols to their designs, well, that is a Language too. Recently I asked a young Mexican woman who was selling homemade tortillas here in San Marcos, Texas what made her tortillas so special? And she said, "The key is Love!" And I have to tell you that whatever I do, I have to do it with love too. If I have to fight, I will do it with love! If I tell a story or do a paint job on your house, I am gonna give you the best reasonable price and a great job because of love for who I am and what I used to do. Check this out, my work motto that I had for my line of work was this saying that I borrowed from my late Uncle Joe Gutierrez who was a professional plumber. Everybody who knew him called him "Slow smokin Joe," and I loved him. That story is a long story so I will bypass it to tell you about my work motto, and it went like this, "Whatever I set my hands to do, I like to go slow. I don't like to hurry. And whatever I do, I am gonna do it right the first time...,satisfaction guaranteed!" So here goes this great story about the year of 1982, the year that I am about to be sentenced to  prison the second time. And about a promise that I had to make to my wife; because she made it clear that these were the two conditions that I had to meet in the future if I still wanted her. Further she said that these two conditions were contingent on whether she would wait on me again or not. She had told me this because I was facing a sentence for "Habitual Burglary." My poor wife said that the two conditions were that I had to stop Womanizing and committing adultery. And that I could never carry or have guns or rifles on me or in our house. I responded and told her with a lot of great love to file for a divorce instead because I was going away for a very long time and that she just didn't understand the predicament that I was in. And that it would not be fair to her to torture herself sexually or romantically and deny herself these amenities because she was still young, beautiful, and fine and waiting for me would prove her to be weak and adulterous too. She kept saying differently and said that she wasn't like other women and that she would be true. Poor girl, I had seen this situation play out with my own friends' wives who were left waiting and things didn't go as planned. However, during this situation a miracle happened, because a Christian White Woman Lawyer named Virginia Coup Pullman of New Braunfels, Texas was appointed to defend me. And it was this lawyer that really went to bat for me unlike the other three White men lawyers that were selling me down river. And as a result of Mrs. Coup Pullman's legal help, I told my wife that I agreed to her demand. Because I was sentenced to six years instead of 25 years to Life. And so my pretty girl, like a fool, l agreed to wait for me. And so I was sent off to T.D.C. again. And throughout this time Mrs. Coup Pullman began to write to me about "Christ Jesus" and about her personal struggles. I also wrote to her and told her what I was learning about in the bible and told her about my struggles also. And she wrote to me all the way until I was out, almost three years later. But by that time she and her husband had sold a Christian bookstore that they invested in, and their house, in New Braunfels and moved out of State. And at that time I began to write down my dreams that I had here in prison during these years. I knew that these dreams were important so that is why I continue to record them. And in 1983 through 1986 I had many dreams about illegal Mexican immigrants being mistreated by White people in Central Texas. And I saw how the American Military were picking them up and loading them in the back of military trucks and taking them to concentration camps all over the state. I had great dreams also of The "Glory of God" and angels singing " " to "Him" also. There was a special hymn and chorus that I recorded back then that left all the guys bunked around me spooked because of the anointing that came with that experience one early dawn. And the song was "Alleluia." And up until this time, I had never heard this hymn before. And when I got out of prison in 1985, my only quest was to legally provide for my wife and the carbon copy of her, our only daughter Melissa. Shit!, after my wife died I thought I was Free! But, there's Melissa, Irma Junior as her shadow watching me. And I had to walk the straight and narrow road because I was still hated by the Police and my arch enemies in town. And I had no skills about any kind of work except hunting human beings and destroying them. Therefore, I had a lot to worry about besides going out on visions' quest naked into the hills or mountains. And if I had I would have been locked up for sure. But I did devote myself to my family and a Christian Church and stayed faithful to "God" too. Well, for at least 9 years after my release. I never went back to the bad habits of stealing, drinking, or doing drugs or chasing loose and fast women, though. Those things have been buried since 1985. And I don't care for that lifestyle anymore. And I continued to pay my Tithes and Offerings to The Church and a few charities up until last year since 1985. But I still continue to give to St. Jude's Children hospital and Paralyzed Veterans of America every month since 2003. And I am not Catholic. But, I still followed another lonely path instead and that was searching for ancient stone artifacts, or gold. And on a tangent, my wife did always try to get me to confess my adulterous affairs prior to going to Prison in 1980 to her and afterwards. But since nobody had any evidence like photos or credible eyewitnesses, I never was stupid to confess to her nothing, no matter how much she squirmed her naked body on me and whispered, "You can tell me dad, I'm gonna love you forever anyway! Shit if I am! Teresa didn't raise no fools. And I remember that I had my hands full of troubles, problems, etc. etc. back then. And I did really love my crazy wife even though we drifted apart on occasions as the years went by. And I also remember that through all our heartaches and things, she would always say to me, "Dad, you better never marry again if I die first." Then I would respond and say to her, "But Mom, if I die first you are free to marry again because I'll be dead and there is nothing that I can do to stop you anyway." Then she would say to me, "Dad, after all the hell that you put me through, I don't ever want another man telling me what to do." But I would say to her, "Mom, a woman has to have a man, you can marry if you fall in love again." Then she would say, "Dad, I told you, once I am free I am going to tour the World, damn the man!" Then I would tell her, "Mom, if you die first..., I promise you that I will mourn you for a year; and that will be hard to do for me. But I will do it for you because I love you Baby!" Then I would tell her, "But Mom, after the year is up, I am gonna do things right and I am gonna marry another woman." Then she would say to me, "Shit Dad..., you're crazy if you think I am gonna let you do that." Then I would say, "Shit Mom, you're gonna be dead, what can you do to stop me?" Then she'd say, "Dad, you have had so much woman stuff and I am not gonna let you have any more." Then I would ask her, "Mom, what are you gonna do about it?" Then she'd say, "Dad, it's easy..., I am gonna curse you right now before I die and you will never marry again!" And then I would burst out laughing like a fool and she would grab me around my waist and tell me, "You are Mine Dad, don't forget that." And when she was at the hospitals and at the nursing home she wouldn't let me out of her sight, Even if I would ask her for a day off. Then one night in September right after her passing on July the 13th, 2013, I had a dream. I wasn't thinking about no woman at all, only about my disastrous outcome in life. And I was still sitting all alone out in my backyard facing about 400 acres of corn and cotton field way into 2 in the morning totally depressed talking to "God" and facing North. Then one night this dream came to me. And here is the dream. As the scene opens, I see a black and white setting out in a vast countryside somewhere nearby. Again the scene is in panoramic view, it is incredibly eerie and ghostly out there because there is nada out here just isolated trees and a dirt road going east to westerly direction. As I continue to look at the scene, I see myself walking east with an old 26 inch standard bicycle because the back tire is flat. And as I push this bike for a distance, an old Black pickup truck going east stops ahead of me and three people are in the cab. As they stopped, I recognized all three of them, and the driver was my brother Abel. The guy in the middle was my Dad and the one on the passenger's side is our friend J.V., Juan Villanueva. As they stopped they all came out of the truck to see what had happened to me out there. So I told them and then I asked if they had something to fix the flat and air it up. Then they said, no. But my brother said to me,  "Ruben, put the bike in the bed and climb into the front with us." Then I said, "No, that's okay, it isn't gonna feel good for me to be so close to men." So Abel says to me, "Well get in the back with the bike." Then I said, "No, just go without me, I'll manage." Then J.V. jumps out of the cab with a 20 ton house jack and gives it to me and says to me, "Hey Ruben, I am returning your jack that I borrowed back to you," and then leaves. And then as they drive off going east and they are out of the picture, I remain standing on the right side of the road looking despondently sad, and then I hear my brother Abel's voice reverberating loud like in an echo chamber and authoritatively in a baritone voice from the north sky to my left. So I look up in that direction to listen, and this is what the Voice said to me in Spanish. "Ruben, there is coming a woman, she thin, she is older then 50 years old, and she is beautiful." And as I heard that I couldn't believe it because it shook me to the core of my being. And in complete excitement I kept looking at the north sky, and I yelled back as I lifted both my hands and arms to the sky in Pleading motion and as loud as I could, I yelled twice and I asked in Spanish,"En donde esta! En donde esta! And just like that the dream ended. Then on July 8th, circa 11:45 A.M. 2014 a Mexican middle aged beautiful woman named Maria Trejo of the Southside of San Antonio, Texas on Mitchell street approached me at the V.A. Data Point Clinic where she worked. This meeting between the two of us was incredible. She was a custodian there, but I had never seen her here before and when she walked into that lobby at the clinic all the men were gawking at her. I was reading a magazine and pretended that I didn't see her, but she had spotted me sitting there waiting. Then she disappeared and I thought that I would never see her again so I went back to reading the magazine. Then about 10 minutes had passed, it was then when I felt someone tapping on the back of my chair and when I turned to look back, it was her standing behind me. I looked at her surprised and she gave me a big beautiful smile. She wore a long sleeve white cotton shirt with buttons on the front and faded tight blue jeans. Her hair was long salt and peppered and she had it braided to the front of her breast. She looked Injun for sure. Her skin was medium dark skin and she was slim and tall. And as we talked I had to ask her her age, and she smiled at me and said, "I am 54 years old." And as for the rest of the story for Maria Trejo and me for the next 4 months it's crazy. Man! The story and rapport that can happen in only such a short time is astounding. Nevertheless, leave it to Ruben, and because of his nit picking ways, he can lose a good thing. Man oh man, Maria was special..., she was all Chicana! But did you see that what that Voice in my dream said in September came true to the letter T.  Remember that the voice said, "Vienne una mujer, esta delgadita, tenia mas de cuenquenta anos, y estaba bonita! That was Maria Trejo. And as I journey..., it will never fail that I'll meet incredible people who are wise and live under bridges. I'll meet these people as I walk through The West Side and South Side of San Antonio searching for Maria. And everywhere that I go it blows my mind of what my "God" can orchestrate all by "Himself." But leave it  to us, and watch how we can royally screw up a good thing. Like I had no business committing adultery against my young beautiful wife. Why couldn't I just be content with her? Why did I have to be so frailty to the core? Why are we so fickle, flaky, and faulty? Why can't we leave things that don't belong to us alone? My wife used to tell me because I was always mad that I was not successful and whined about my lack of financial resources, and she would say to me, "Dad, be content with what we have." And now she is gone and what is the point now for looking for other women whom I have met since her death like Marissa, Cindy, Nelda, Claudia, Irma, Griselda, Edelma, or Susan Garcia de Palacios? And Susan Garcia, I'll never forget that intelligent beautiful crazy Chicana. And when I met Maria, I was 64 years old. And I could have been with her or another good woman by now, "but." Well, do you guys think that I have been cursed? No, you are just undecided like so many old men are Ruben. You spend too much time weighing the pros and cons and before you know it the woman is gone! Well, let me close for now and say that I still have one woman who is alive in my mind all the time. And as I say good night I will leave you with two great songs about men loving women. And one song is by "Gene Watson," singing, "When a man can't get a woman off his mind." The second is a song by" Alfonso Ramos" titled, "Cuando vivas conmigo." Man, those are great songs about what the power of a woman can do to a man. A woman can drive a man insane. And a woman can be a great thing!!! And can you see that I am a man with a lot of different things on my mind. Amigos those things were and are what I was entrenched in when The Visions and Dreams would come. I was entrenched with living and dealing with life. And talking constantly to my great "God" who always thinks about too. With that Amigos I'll close and so let us sleep on that, and the Power of Dreams without schemes. And the best to you Maria Trejo where ever you are. Amen. Thanks again.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Respectfully,                                                                                       Ruben N. Gutierrez