Just dreams to remember!

    After my wife died I became riddled with guilt because somehow I felt guilty for her early demise even though some of her closest family told me that I shouldn't feel that way. They told me that I had done a lot for her and that they saw it with their own eyes. But that has never healed my wounds for having mistreated her for so long. Our problems were financial and because I had left the Church. My wife died at the age of 58 years old. She was a Christian Church attending woman that devoted her life to "Jesus Christ" since 1982. She attended a couple of Churches in San Marcos for about 5 years before making a permanent home Church here as well for 25 years straight afterwards. After 1985 I joined her for 9 years in Church too but found it shallow in its teachings so I moved out of Church for almost 19 years. However, in those 19 years I was continuing my studies of the scriptures even though I had about two bad habits that I rationalized in my mind as good because I wasn't committing any crimes. And further, I was giving a lot of money to her for her church and charities despite that we needed charities ourselves. She always would tell me a sad story about how people were suffering and going hungry; or that her Missionettes' students needed supplies. And there I went just like The Jerk giving her church donations instead of buying things for her. I mean I always bought her things but what man doesn't want to give the love of his life more. No matter if no one wants to hire you because of your criminal record and your stuck in poverty. Then when she needed something she was mad at me because I couldn't get it for her. When I was in Church I committed all the way. I was helping with building, and finishing out construction for Pastors houses or their churches, and contributing money to "God" because I was grateful to "Him" that I was free. And then came those Preachers that preached The Prosperity Gospel and I thought that one day soon I was going to have a breakthrough out of poverty because of my giving and in 9 years nothing happened except more financial troubles. I gave and yet my sufferings never ended. So I left the Church in search of ancient stone sculpture here in Central Texas which I sincerely believed that I would find and I was going to sell that art to collectors for a bunch of money and then buy my Baby a Ranch style house with all the amenities. Well, as of today, it hasn't happened so far. Then as my wife would see me bringing hundreds of rocks to the yard she would laugh at me and call me a fool. She kept insisting that I go back to church with her for many years. But I didn't want to go back because I felt I was gonna be working and spending my time building someone else's dream, but mine would never materialize because no one was helping me with my vision. So when she was at the hospital dying she would tell me that I would end up in hell with King Solomon because we had become an Idol worshippers. And I would politely tell her that King Solomon was not in hell but would be in Heaven one day. And she told me that The Church had taught her that King Solomon was in hell for all his sins. And she would further tell me, "Dad, that's where you are going to for rejecting "God." And this type of back and forth went on for 19 years and I never went back to Church until August of 2013. Then I walked away from there after attending her church for almost a year. And I went on another hiatus for about  four months when I met Maria Trejo in San Antonio; the hiatus could have been much longer if not for Maria. And it was because of Maria that I went back looking for a church to attend quickly. When I met Maria she had told me that she was a Christian and I had told her that I was one too. And she said to me on the first night that we talked on the phone after having met the day before that when I called her on the following Sunday night, that she wanted to hear from me what the Pastor had preached on. And then I said okay. But because I was not attending church anywhere at that time I didn't want to start a third bad habit with lying. So I went into panic mode because T.V. Preachers were not what Maria was talking about, she had said she wanted to hear what my Pastor had preached about. I had a couple of days before Sunday night and I searched for a tiny church where I could just go and sit out a night and have a sermon to take to Maria. But I couldn't find one. So I went to my reliable maternal aunt "Nacha Natal" who I trust the most and I asked her if she knew about a small church where I could sit at and congregate. And she told me of one that in her opinion was sold out to "God." My tia Nacha is also a Christian so I took her advice and I attended that church service that began on Sunday evening at at 6 p.m. and ended at 8 at night. That was perfect timing for me. Then after the service Maria called me  and wanted to hear the sermon message and I proudly told her. Then 4 months later I told Maria that I couldn't move on with our relationship because I came to find out from Maria that she wasn't a Christian after all, but that she wanted and needed to make positive changes in her life too. Maria wasn't going to church either but was struggling to make ends meet. But she was beautiful for a 54 year old and for having had 5 kids and raised them by herself. Her youngest daughter was graduating high school that year that I met her. And four of her grown children had babies of their own and she couldn't hold a job because the kids needed babysitters in order for them to work. And she had been married to a heroin addict for 17 years before divorcing him. To me it was obvious that Maria had been living a very hard life on her own. She told me that she struggled extremely hard just to survive financially. She also told me that the reason that she was attracted to me was because she could tell that I liked to travel. And that for once she wanted to travel too. When she would call me at nights, all I could hear in the background was kids playing and a small fan humming next to her. So I would ask her, "Maria, you guys don't have an A.C.?" And she would tell me that all they could afford was cheap rental houses in The West Side or South Side of San Antonio and not with A.C.'s. And then when it came for me to tell her that I couldn't go on with her she told me one of the wisest things that I ever have heard from a woman being let down. She told me, "Ruben, I don't understand why you didn't even give me a chance?" Then she continues in Spanish and says, "Pero esta bien Ruben, lo que es para mi es para mi. Y lo que es para ti es para ti!" And with that Maria went in search of her dream and I went to search for mine. But, I did stay in that little church where my tia Nacha recommended for the next 10 years straight and was blessed immensely by "God" there at every service which I attended which was 2 out of three a week. And as 2015 got around, my eyes got attached to a beautiful middle aged Mexican woman who attends this church. She would sit up front so it was hard for me not to notice her from way in the back by the exit door where I sat for 10 years. My eyes had first gotten stolen in 2013 at my wife's church by a middle aged beauty there but she turned out to be married and I don't mess with married women at all. Not since my conversion in 1982. Anyway, this beauty at this tiny church that I attended for 10 years drove me crazy just to look at her. And she was constantly in my dreams even when she was not on my mind. She was the same age as Maria Trejo. But there was a problem, she didn't like me and, but she was divorced. So I kept trying to get her attention in many and various ways; honorable ways guys, but she wanted to get back with her husband that she loves madly so she didn't want any man but her husband.. So now I have moved on and at 73 years of age I still hope. Nonetheless, an Ingun song that I love to listen to keeps telling me that "Hope is not a Plan!" Damn, he is not lying. Watch this guys, and with telling of this dream that came to me on January 22nd, 2018 I will close this letter. Watch..., as the dream opens I see myself in a daytime dream and the dream is in color. As I look on I see myself arriving in a small shopping mall area as I drove in from the east in a car somewhere in a small town in Texas. This is one of those towns that if one blinks their eyes you will pass it. So I see myself pulling into the parking lot and stopping there. And then I see myself getting out of the car and start to look at my surroundings. And as I stood at the back of the car, I saw a Mexican man from San Marcos coming from behind me and I recognized him immediately and we shook hands. This man is a second cousin of mine who we call  Geronimo, his name is Alex Natal. Well Alex is wearing a jungle fatigue green jacket. Then he tells me that he wants to lay his hand on my forehead and pray for me. So I say okay. Then when he places his left hand on my forehead he begins to pray and I hear him say in Spanish, "Ruben, hacen diez dias para tras que "El Senor" me dijo que te dijera que viene una mujer para ti!"   Then he was going to tell me something else when a great big fight across the street began between a Black man and a Black woman. The woman was trying to kill her husband because he was cheating on her with another woman. The whole Black woman's family jumped her husband but the husband's dad drove up in an old pick up truck and whipped that truck hitting other cars and the side of the building in just trying to get away with his adulterous son in the nick of time. Then those two sped away towards where the sun sets up that two lane highway leading out of town. And as far as I could see in that direction that they went, there was only desert that way. And that was the direction that I was heading next after my stop here. Then I woke up. So you see guys, that building anything on a lie, whether a woman and man relationship or family, or home, or history, etc., will never turn out well for anyone. And it has been 7 whole years since that dream, and no woman. Well, not the one that I was hoping for. Many other women have wanted relationships, but stupid Ruben like a two year old doesn't want that one, he wants that another one. No wonder he is still by himself, the stupid shit!. And why did Alex say that "God" had told him to tell me 10 days before about this woman that was coming for me? What happened there? Good grief, the beauty of mysteries. Oh!, and the beauty of great dreams. Thank You "Father!" And No!, King Solomon is not in Hell for the honest Biblical Record. And neither is King Manasseh the most treacherous and evil King of Judah. They both Repented and those are immensely rich tasting morsels that give great testimony of The Mercies of "God." The Bible says that "God's" lips drip with mercies towards those who love "Him." Therefore, let us sleep on that for now and thanks again. And as a postscript, The great Prophet Jeremiah  was never allowed to marry. I love him. And I feel for him still. Roy Clark said in a song; whether he knew it or not it was about me too, "Why does my love always have to be the destructive kind."                                                                                                                                                                  Respectfully,                                                                                      Ruben N. Gutierrez