En la ausencia del dolor!

   Bloggers, Remember that I said at the start of my blog that I was gonna try to present my story as honest as I could and that after all I say here one will see that Redemption is a real and truthful thing. So, I do want to say that I am not a cook or baker, or writer, but I know about the struggles and pain that all artists and crafts people undergo as they pursue to perfect whatever art they are trying to master. I know the hardships of trying to attract something or someone and things are not clicking just right and most likely never will because maybe that art is rejecting our affection to it. Or maybe it is not the right time for uniting. And perhaps it's trying to tell us to go bark under another tree and leave that one alone because it is not for us. I know the feeling, I have been rejected many times by so many arts and vocations in the past; and women, that it left me heart sick. But I didn't give up, I just went and tried something else until I was accepted by a vocation that agreed with my blood type. However, I was looking for treasure. I wanted to court words and tell them that I desired them with all my heart and soul and needed them because they were extremely critical to me and that they would somehow be that treasure that I knew that they were. And I needed them because I needed to convince them that without them I felt shallow and empty because how could I express myself to a girl or woman about the insanely immense love, and overwhelming desire, that I had for her if I couldn't articulate above a first grader's level. Some talk about romancing stones but I am about romancing words because being fluent with words is like yielding bouquets of the best fragrant aromatic flowers' in your hand to someone or the most potent weapon. And further, how could I ever write anything or say anything of significance to anybody in Letter form without the words existing in my heart and head, and whole being? And also, how was I to understand those great writers of history and most especially The Bible without the ability to read words. And how can I express sympathy or empathy to someone who is feeling dejected, rejected, and suffering great misery and pain if I can't find the words to comfort that poor soul? Words are beautiful and powerful. They don't just belong to a certain class of people. Words are like a compass for a navigator or treasure hunter, and like light to someone stuck in a dark place. And like any other art or craft, words can take you to absolute truth and deliver one from ignorance. And words can encourage and inspire people if you believe in what you say. And after being rejected myself by words and other arts that I esteem greatly, and knowing first hand about the pain and misery that I felt from that dejected feeling for years, forced me to seek help for my personal defects. And further, as the years have passed since my wife died, I believe that my letters in this Blog can help someone who is hurting too. My heart has always been the heart of the Activist so I can't help but speak out and try to effect change for the better for someone out there. After all, even the rich are not immune from heartache and pain and the blues. Moreover, no one passing through this human experience goes unscathed by the pain and hurt it delivers to the individual living it. Everywhere I go now in search of a female companion I hear real painful and hurtful stories from many of these females. And mostly they are all divorced. And please remember that I am eclectic so I talk to all ethnic types in the females category. And the current theme that I hear over and over from them is like some chorus refrain..., and that is that they never ever want to remarry again. So I ask them, why did they come to this conclusion? And they always say, I caught my man cheating on me. Or they say, "Well, my husband left me for a younger woman and left me with the babies after over 20 years of being married." Then as I travel on my hiking trails in Central Texas, I run across wealthy White men that have been divorced and as we make short talk, these men begin to sob and I ask them why are they crying. Then most of them are drinking alcohol and weep about how they want to mend ways with their grown kids who don't care for them anymore. And as I look at the scenic natural setting that we are in, I wonder to myself, I am not the only lonely one walking out here today. But since I believe in "God" I always ask them if they would like for me to say a short prayer for them and their family. And they welcome any help that they can get to ease their pain. But one couldn't tell by looking at them that they are miserable until we talk with them. Then after the short prayer, they say thanks and leave. And as I journey on I think about all the professional occupations that these people had. They lost a lot even though they were skilled at the work that they did. One time I met a handsome young Mexican American guy near a bridge in some woods as I was looking for rocks near Killen, Texas one winter day. He was fishing at a nearby river when I met him. There was no one out there, just us. So I stopped to ask him if he knew where I could find certain kinds of rocks. He told me that he was not from the town area and didn't know. Then I asked him if he had caught any fish and he said no. Then he got up and started to pack all his things and started to leave. So I told that he didn't have to leave because I was moving on. And since he had gotten up I noticed that he had many tattoos on his neckline and hands. So I asked him, "Are you a tattoo artist?" Then he asked me, "Who are you?"  So I told him about me and then he began to relax and become friendly with me. And as we talked more he told me that he had been hiding out there for awhile. Then he pointed to the bridge and told me that just past the bridge on the other side of it that there were Indian rocks there. He said that if I wanted to he could show me where. I said, okay. Then he gave me a serious warning and told me that the place was a place where witches had rituals some nights there and left  many runes written on some large boulders. I said well let's go see what attracts the witches to that place. So we walked a short distance there and sure enough I noticed the flaked stones laying on the ground. And as I looked at the runes and ancient contemporary writings produced by people going there recently, I wondered what was so special about this place. I did see a tall sandy stone kind of cliff and the face of a high wall in front of us and that was it for our first glance at it. Then I asked the young man, since he had so many tattoos, if he could see something anywhere on that stone wall of any image that could give inspiration to these witches for congregating here. And he said no. So both of us stepped far back and paced this way and that way to study shadows and folds and angles produced by the different light being cast on it for a long time and then I asked him again, "Did you see anything and he said no." Then I said to him, "I am going to take pictures of this because people will not believe what you told me about this place." Then he asked me, "What did you see?" Then I pointed at two raised areas at the center of this rock wall and I said, "Look..., those two bumps there are two human female breasts. See how they are almost proportional to the top of the cliff and the ground. And see the narrowing of the rock wall coming together just a little lower below those bumps. And see how the wall expands again at where her hip line is supposed to be? That is the image of the goddess. That is what is special about this place for the witches." Then we began to walk back out of those woods and then I asked him why he was hiding out there? Then he told me that he was running from a notorious Mexican gang in Arizona of which he was a member of. He said he was 28 years old and that he was tired of that lifestyle and just wanted to be a family man. He said he was married and had children and wanted to be with them. But he had to come to Texas to be with his relative who was sheltering him for now. He said that the mafia didn't make accommodations for quitting its membership because it was a lifetime commitment. He told me that when he saw me coming he had gotten scared and thought that I had come to make a hit on him. I said, "Hey man, I am just an old man looking for rocks and that is all. Don't worry about me." Then I asked him, "Say man, what kind of work do you love to do?" And he looks at me and smiles and responds and says, "I love to paint and stylize my art work." Then I followed up with another question and asked him, "Man, do you love your wife and children, do you miss them?" Then he begins to cry and says this to me, "They are my life!" Then I say to him, "Would you like for me to say a prayer for you so that the gangster will leave you all alone?" And he bowed his head and said, "Yes." So I said a most appealing prayer to our "Father in Jesus Christ name" for him and his family and we hugged and as I watched him walk away he was still crying. Later that night I got on Highway U.S. 35 south and headed home and put on Nina Simone's extended version of The Bee Gees song, "There is a Light that has never shined on me." You guys have heard the song I am sure. I love it! Because it seems so true for so many of us. And it speaks to so much deep deep pain and sorrow that blocks out all the residues of light in your soul and spirit and life at that time. And you wonder whether you will ever have a breakthrough out of this pitch black dark room that you are in and never enjoy that great light and the natural beauty that it reveals to you, once again. I can still see their faces and the lonely places where I met these great people. I remember that we talked for hours and it only seemed like minutes. And in closing, I still remember a voice that I heard speaking to me in a dream, and It was a Mexican man's voice that sounded so melancholically sad because I was feeling the blues that day. And all I remember about the song he sang was when he said, "En la ausencia del dolor." Again, no one is exempt from the pain. But it sure is nice when we can feel that absence of pain. And it feels better when you can talk to yourself and encourage yourself and believe the words of The Great Prophets that say it best because they know about suffering and pain better than all of us, and they say, "Everything is gonna be alright if you believe it!!!!!" Amen. Let's sleep on that for now. And life does imitate art. Therefore, let's enjoy it while we can. Thanks again.                                                              Respectfully,                                                                                      Ruben N. Gutierrez

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