Something weighing heavy on my mind

     Bloggers, I don't know how old you are or what gender you are, or anything about you. However, if you ever have had a person that you love on your mind before, and who you just couldn't shake off  your mind, well, I can empathize with you. And especially if that person constantly on your mind has no interest in you. Well, I remember that one day this woman that I liked at Church who was divorced told me that there was no way she was gonna ever go out with me because she intended to get her husband back. But, her husband was now with another woman and had built his nest over there with this new woman. Therefore we were both missing our ships out there in those pitch dark night time seas and oceans. She had been after her ex husband for as long as I had lost my wife after she had died. As of today its been ten years and both of us are still by ourselves. And she is beautiful and still fine. And about a year ago I met her and told her that I was not gonna bother her anymore about going out because she was not interested in me and that I had lost interest too. And as we talked she dropped a hint at me and said that "God" had a time for everything. But, I left it alone and I said goodbye to her. Therefore, after ten years I know that I could have been with another woman by now, but sincerely I believed that I was not ready for another woman or marriage just yet. I know myself and further I operate on what I am shown in my dreams about myself and the World. I remember that I once had a dream a couple of years ago in which I saw myself suffering greatly in some tormenting situation. And as I agonized to survive the great feeling of loneliness and physical pain that I felt there, it seemed that no one wanted to, or just could not, help me. So I just rolled up like a Roly-poly and just laid there in this dark place. And as I lay there I heard a man's voice say to me, "Ruben, you are going through The Valley of Change." And when I woke up I knew that was the answer that I needed to hear because it explained my misery. And can you see..., that many times as we live out our lives we believe that we are doing okay just because we are not breaking the Laws of The Land. However, many times we give little regard to the Spiritual Laws of "God." So because we don't break the laws of the land we think that we are doing fine. Well, there are Bible scriptures that state plainly that our sins will find us out. And that whatever we do in the dark when we think nobody is watching me anyway, will be brought out to the Light. Well, sooner or later this spiritual phenomenon will find us out when we least expect it. And when it does it will flash a bright light on it or them and may even cause a person great shame and embarrassment; perhaps even their lively hood. I mean this can happen to anybody, even to Christians and Preachers. And so that is why I knew that I was not ready for another woman just yet. And I knew that I had to make changes to my lifestyle as a Christian even. And the Bible does state that lukewarm Christians will not enter in "God's Kingdom." But Ruben being the lawyerly type reasoned that playing with a little fire now and then was really not all that bad. After all, I was a Do Gooder and helping many impoverished low income families in the community. But I knew better because in my last hitch in prison I learned the extreme value in living a holy and consecrated life. But once freed and at home many Christians in Church were not even living that lifestyle and would get after me for being so pious. They even called me a Legalist and they didn't even understand the difference between Legalism and just Obeying the Commandments of "God." And little by little I gave in because if you can't fight them join them. So that is what I did. And years later my sins found me out and I was losing Favor with The "God" that I said that I loved deeply. However, "He" was merciful enough to me to point my sins out to me only and not hang out my dirty laundry for all the world to see. Nonetheless, I suffered and had to pay for my sins even though I had told "God" that I was sorry for putting "Him" to shame. I have lost a lot regardless of all the financial and medical benefits that I still enjoy today. Look at Jimmy Swaggart and his once great ministry and how he went from greatness in blessings to where he is now. Sin cannot go unpunished regardless who commits it. Look at Israel now! And every time that I built up courage to approached Irma Duran bravely over these last tormenting ten years, I was being bombarded with great Apocalyptic dreams about this earth being broken up like an egg and people dying by the millions. I was seeing Tornadoes that were huge devils with supernatural transforming abilities. And also, Ionizing Uranium Storm Clouds that chased people and zapped them with bolts of lighting. And at times I saw myself walking over so many dead bodies because the ground was covered for long distances with them. And I was being taken to the pits in hell and there seeing things that I still recall as if it were today that I saw them. I remember so much from that Hell place. And then I was taken into The very White Smoky Cloud that is "God's Glory" and called by my name to go inside it. And then to walk in The Great River of Life that Ezekiel and Zechariah saw which would come right after that Great Judgement Day of "God." And that River has never and will never run dry. And for the last ten years, as I have pondered all my dreams and worried for my younger family and so many others, I still couldn't stop consciously thinking about how I could get to Irma Duran and take care of her as best that I can for the few years that are left in my pathetic life. All I ever wanted was to finish out my life loving "God", my family, and loving another woman like Irma Duran. I wanted to have the world see that a greatly dysfunctional human being was capable of being a true human being and being Right. I was just wanting to be with Irma Duran and enjoy what was left of my life. After all it was written in The Scriptures that "God" wanted us to live a life full of quality and abundance. What I have been living is not the quality of life that I was hoping for. And then she tells me that 'God" has a perfect time for everything. At my age that is not encouraging! And as I walked away from her that evening before dark, I couldn't help but think to myself about a dream that I had just had at that same time. But first let me preface this dream with a much earlier one several years ago, where a man's voice from the sky speaks to me and calls me, "Jeremiah, come to see(Sea) where the Whore is bombed." Please, I am not gonna get into the exegetics of either one of these two dreams, but this first one will add credence to this dream last year. This dream is just another thing that disappointed me about my prospect for being with this woman that I care about because she is special to me. Okay, here is the dream. As the dream opens I see that it is set in an opened countryside and it is a black and white dream and it is night time. As I look I see myself walking north on a long narrow road that runs from south to north. And as I am walking I come to a top of a hill and stop to look at the sight before me. There are no trees in view just a city and its lights lit up far ahead and below the hill. And as I stand there, I am just looking at this city on flat land way out there in front of me. And no there are no vehicles on the road. Then I see a plume of smoke coming up at the middle of this city. Then in the grayish white plume of smoke, a great fire rises and produces that familiar mushroom cloud exploding sideways at its base and its top. And as I keep looking I see what Catholics call The Virgin Mary in that teal bluish greenish cloak and red dress. She has twelve stars around her head and the crescent moon at her feet and there is this burst of sun rays around her; well, that image. That apparition appears at the very top of the mushroom cloud in living color in contrast to the black and white night scene. I however, will remind everybody that this image is not Catholic but it is a great symbol from ancient days when Joseph the great son of the great Patriarch  Jacob describe it, and it represents Israel and it always has. Israel are The Chosen Ones of "Almighty God." That ends that dream. And all I can say is that Wars are gonna escalate and war always produces economic decline and famine. Therefore as I close now, I wish everyone peace and love. Maybe next time I will talk about forgiving and loving our neighbor as ourselves. For me that seems something that I cannot do. But how am I ever gonna get to Irma Duran if I can't go that far in obeying "God." How am I ever gonna be a better man or Christian? I'll pray that all my enemies stay as far away from me and Irma Duran and my little family as possible. I think that is a good prayer and solution huh? Good night people. Whoever said that it was easier to renovate a dilapidated old house than a human being is on to something heavy. Let us sleep on that for now until next time. I pray for those who truly know how to love others unconditionally. Thanks again.                                                                                                                          Respectfully,                                                                                                                                          Ruben N. Gutierrez